Questions, Answers and Comments
Most likely politically incorrect...

13 November 2007

Since arriving in Asia some 4 years ago - time escapes me anymore - I have received a lot of questions and comments from people around the world.  Some are genuinely interested about life in Asia, whilst others could possibly be concerned about my welfare.  Still others seem to have some issues with me and / or about my life choices.  So, I thought that I would share some of the questions and comments that I have received over the years, as well as my answers. 

What is your favorite beer in Thailand?

Actually. I have two favorite beers here in Thailand.  An open one or one that someone else bought for me.  If they are cold, so much the better.

What is it like living in Thailand?

The same as living anyplace else in the world.  The sun comes up, and if you are lucky, you are just then going to bed after a good night out.  If you have to work, then the sun rising sucks the same as anyplace else.

Do you like Thai food?

A difficult question to answer.  You must first realize that Thai's will eat anything that does not eat them first.  For the Thais, being at the top of the food chain has a lot of meaning I reckon.  For me, I have discovered that there are a hell of a lot of things that I am not going to eat - such as a wide variety of bugs, pig uterus, lizards, fish that have eaten so much mud that their meat is a light brown, and the weeds that grow along side of the road.  That does limit my diet considerably.  I guess that means that there is very little Thai food that I like, providing that it is not 5 alarm chili hot, has fish in it and is served in an establishment that does not have dog collars piled up outside the back door.

How do you tell the difference between a "lady boy" and a real girl?

Wait until they approach you.  If the person grabs your crotch, it is quite likely to be a "lady boy."  If the person is trying to find your wallet and money, it is most likely a regular girl.  If you are in a dimly lit bar with a lot of girls dancing on poles, and someone grabs your crotch it is most likely a real girl that wants to enter into a business transaction which technically is illegal, but no one really cares.

Are there a lot of lesbians in Thailand?  I have seen many pictures of girls walking down the street holding hands.

A true gentleman such as myself, would never be so bold and brazen as to ask a girl if she is a lesbian.  I have been told that straight girls engage in that practice on a regular basis - holding hands that is - and it is considered to be normal.  If you are a true voyeur that is aroused by that practice, as you seem to be, you will find Thailand to be quite erotic.  Please do not try to meet up with me when you do come over though.

Now that you are in Thailand, do you miss your ex-wife?

Hell, I didn't miss you when I was still in the States.  Why would anything change.

How easy is it to get a visa to come to Thailand?

Visa laws change all the time.  Check the web site for the Thai Embassy in your country for some fairly up to date information about visas.  Or, try the Thailand Ministry of Foreign Affairs.  The web site is all in English.  You can also find advice on www.thaivisa.com but I wouldn't rely on it too much.  That is an open forum where idiots give advice to other idiots and then everyone proves that they are idiots when they argue with each other about the advice that has been given.

Why would you want to leave the United States - the best country in the world - and go and live in some foreign third world country?

The simplest answer that I can give you is this:  To get away from idiots like you that have never even traveled out of the state that you live in, much less overseas.  Hate to break it to you Bud, but there is more to the world than America.

Is it really true that an old man can marry some young, beautiful Thai girl?

Well, it worked for me.  As long as you have a lot of money, you can marry a young, beautiful girl anyplace in the world.  The more money you have, and the closer your are to dying, the easier it is. 

You moved to Asia because you are a chauvinistic pig that wants to have a subservient wife.

Sounds good to me.  Actually - it is very nice to live in a culture where PMS doesn't exist and rule a man's life.  Where women care about their appearance.  Where a woman doesn't put something on and then ask if it makes her ass look big.  Where a woman enjoys being feminine.  Where a woman does all that she can to avoid becoming fat and sloppy.  I can continue if you wish...

(From the same feminist in a second e-mail)  You must be teaching in a (sic) all girls school because you are a pervert.

No, I am over 50.  That makes me a dirty old man - or in my case, a dirty old codger.

Do they have alcoholics anonymous in Thailand?

I don't know.  I have never met an anonymous alcoholic.

My doctor says that the medical care in Asia is not very good.  What do you think?

Your doctor is an idiot and has no idea of what he is talking about. 

The last time I was in Thailand, I met a girl.  She work in a bar and we fell in love.  She now tell me she need some money 'cause her mother is sick.  She says she needs 10,000 Baht.  Should I send it to her?

A bar girl with a sick mother???  It could happen I reckon.  Reminds me of a friend who got the following letter:

Dear Farang.

I write this letter to you. Have to tell you now have big problem at my home Nakon Nowhere.  Buffalo sick and can not get rice from Field.  My father need 3,000 baht for medicine to make buffalo good again.

My brother me fall down the well for water and he break leg, cannot help my father same.  Need 5,000 baht for borrow, good man help my father.

Now my mother stay hospital and my baby also, both have danger feber from drink water, no good after my brother fall down well.

Grandmother have motorbike accident, hit four chicken in road, but chicken fled scene, so have no one pay for her in hospital, next bed my mother and baby, want 4,000 baht for her.

Sister in monkey house for make sex show in Bangkok, have to pay 200 baht everyday for food she, but police say no problem, give 20,000 baht sister can go free.

Young brother go hospital to cut for be ladyboy, need 10,000 baht for operation.

I think easy if you send 100,000 baht to me, can send my bank at Mangdar Bank.

Now you stay your country.  I know that I stay with you only one night, but you number one man from all 35 I go with last month.  Now I know it you I love too much and I think of you everyday, I go room after disco. I not work same bar before - Now have new job Pattayaland Soi 1 at Spicy Girls A Go Go, boss there have good heart and is good man, have lots of pretty girls dancing everyday and bar very good fun.  He tell me he have something called Internet, you can see at http://www.spicygirls.org/

P.S. Please send photo, so I can remember which one you.

Can you find me a nice Thai girlfriend?

I doubt it. 

You seem to drink a lot.  Have you considered joining AA?

AA is for quitters.

I have heard that Thai girls are very jealous and will kill you if they catch you with another woman.  Is that true?

No.  They will usually beat the hell out of you a few times before they kill you.

Can you get American football there in Thailand?

Not very easy.  More Brits here than Americans so they watch that sissy soccer crap instead of a real man's game.

I'm planning on visiting Thailand for the first time next month.  What should I bring with me?

Plenty of money and Western size condoms.  Since it is your first visit, you will need both.

how can you teached (sic) english if you don't speak thailand (sic).

Damned if I know.

(From the same person)  can you sent me something written in thailand?

This response to your questions was written in Thailand.

Can I eat on the street in Thailand?

You can, but the sidewalk might be safer.

Do they drive on the right or the wrong side of the road like in England?

Both sides are acceptable.

You have drink driving laws in Thailand?

To drive in Thailand I think that it is a requirement.

How far is Cambodia from Thailand?

It depends on how big the map you are looking at is.  The bigger the map, the further it is.

Are there any history places to see in Thailand?

No.  Thailand is now a modern country.

(In response to my lamenting about how I am tired of eating noodles)  What about the Pekin duck?  If we find it in Nice, try where you are, it is damn good.  Cook their pasta and spread plenty butter on top, it works!

I will be damned if I am gong to play peeking games with a damned duck.  If I have to peek at a damned duck - or worry about one peeking at me, I'll just kill the SOB and eat it.  I didn't know that a bloody duck had pasta.  Will try to find one like that.

Do you have to dress in communist clothes?

Yes.  All of my shirts now have a big "C" on the front pocket.  On the back of the shirts they write "Commie Bastard."

Do you worry about terrorists over there?

Yes, every time I see a tour bus filled with foreigners.

Do the Chinese watch you all the time?

Only when I am out in public.

(Same person)  Do they have your apartment bugged?

I'm not allowed to say.  It's supposed to be a secret.

(Same person, second e-mail)  Why does you stay there when they watch you all the time?

At my age I get forgetful.  When I get drunk, I don't remember anything.  This way I can always find out what I have done.

Why do you like Asia and those thrid (sic) world countries so much?

The people may be poor.  The governments may be a bit different.  Yet, in a social and community minded sense, the people of these countries are far more advanced than the West.

Well, that's enough of this stuff.  When I get more ridiculous e-mails I will be happy to publish them. 

The Old Codger

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