Back into the real world...

The Old Codger, bless his heart, has given up his life of leisure and has returned to work here in Nantong.  Oh, such an ugly, miserable and even demeaning four letter word that is.  Unfortunately, it is a necessary evil if one wishes to eat more than table scraps found along the street.  (Graphic enough description there...)

Sending the teachers back to the classroom was done in the tried, true and tested Chinese fashion.  The Chinese fashion guarantees that everything is going to be messed  up, screwed up, discombobulated and in short, a total, complete and utter disaster.  In other words:  Everything is normal.

This term, The Old Codger is assigned the task of teaching reading short novels to University Juniors.  Questions about what was expected of not only The Old Codger but the students as well were answered very succinctly and to the point:  "Up to you."

"A short novel is really quite long.  About 200 pages.  Can the students handle something like that?"

"I don't know.  Maybe.  Up to you."

"What do you want me to accomplish?"

"Get student to read and understand."

"What do you suggest I use for materials - books and such?"

"Up to you."

After a few more "up to yous":  "Ah.  So you wish for me to create a completely independent, and perhaps disenfranchised comprehensive reading program that will stimulate the most myopic and disengaged student so as to instill in them the desire to creatively interpret series of words designed for the intellectually elite which are totally incomprehensible to the average changeling?"

"Yes. Good.  Up to you."

"OK. I will have a nice day."

"You have nice day too."

And so, The Old Codger, having received his explicit and oh, so very clear instructions was inspired to create a remarkable short novel reading course that will no doubt, be suitable for some form of academic recognition at some point in the future.  The first text considered for use is: Observe A Canine with a Blemish in Locomotion better known as See Spot Run.  The first title sounds so much more literary and should certainly impress all who read the syllabus. 

Now, The Old Codger may not be the brightest light bulb in the room.  That kind of goes without saying.  But after teaching Juniors last term in Oral English, he does have some insight into their capabilities, abilities and general distaste of English words and vocabulary outside of classroom, except for the occasional expletive picked up from American movies.  In short - this class is not going to easy to teach anything very  substantial.  Since the class is an elective, there is an unwritten rule that this type of class has absolutely no homework, and the actual class must be fun.  The Old Codger instinctively knows that the only novel these students are going to want to read is the Hollywood version; ie: subtitles on a movie.  OK.  He will figure something out.  Will probably settle for Mark Twain's The Stolen White Elephant.

Of course, this being China, no one told The Old Codger where the main room was to pick up room keys.  Half of his classes are in Building 3, so, certainly, there must be a room in Building 3 where the keys to the rooms are kept and handed out.  That is logical.  No matter how you cut it, slice it or dice it, that is logical.  Nope.  Keys are kept in Building 2.  Oh?  You want more Chinese logic?  The Old Codger has one class in Building 3, Room 313.  When that class is over, he goes across the hall to Room 312.  Of course, he has to go back to Building 2 to return one set of keys and pick up another set of keys. 

See The Old Codger run.  See The Old Codger go down three flights of stairs.  See The Old Codger run to Building 2.  See The Old Codger run back to Building 3.  See The Old Codger run up three flights of stairs.  See The Old Codger have a heart attack.  See ambulance come.  See paramedic tell The Old Codger to walk to Ambulance.  "You too heavy."

A request to get both classes in the same room was made. 

"We can change no room now.  You want new room?  You need talk us last term.  Next term we give you new room. OK?"

First day of classes for The Old Codger was Tuesday.  He looked at the time schedule and saw that the class started at 3:50 PM.  No problem.  At 3:30 he gets a phone call:

"You have class now?"

Sounded like a question.  "No.  Next period is my class."

"Why you no in class now?"

"My class is next period.  It starts at 3:50."

"You have student wait for you."

"Why are they there early?"

"Yes.  They early.  You not there."

Nothing major.  Just another example of Chinese communication.  Time schedule was changed.  Do not notify teachers.  Oh wait!  They did.  Old Codger's mistake.

"I tell you new time."

"No.  I don't think so.  How did you tell me?"

"I give you paper."

"Oh.  The paper written in Chinese?"

"Yes.  That paper.  You not read?"

"I read English better than Chinese."

"I give you English next month."

That was Tuesday.  Late Tuesday afternoon.  Only three more days before Happy Hour at Captain's Bar and Grill in beautiful downtown Nantong.  Other teachers are also counting the days.  Soon, it will be hours that are being counted.

So, The Old Codger made it to class and had an abbreviated class.  Everyone was happy. 

Wednesday.  Go to the class room and none of the multi media equipment is working.  No problem.  Try to wing it.  Without the use of visuals, rather difficult.  Class is cut short.  Students are very happy.  Early lunch.  Two more days until Happy Hour.

Thursday.  Go to class.  All new students.  Everything goes smooth and everyone is happy.  Ah, it is good to be teaching again. 

Thursday, second class.  What???  "I had all of you last term.  I'm supposed to have all new students." 

Everything that The Old Codger has prepared is for new students.  Nothing new for returning students.  They already know all of the jokes and games.  They don't want to repeat stuff they did last term.  They are there to be entertained.  A comedian that has no new jokes is going to be chopped liver.  The Old  Codger is chopped liver.

Freshmen Chinese students like a schedule.  They do not like that schedule to be changed.  You can tell them that they can leave class early and they will basically refuse to go.  It is beyond their realm of understanding. 

"I have nothing prepared for you today.  I did not expect to see you.  I expected to see new students.  You can go now, and we will do something next week."

"You serious?"

"Yes.  Serious.  You stay here you will be bored.  Go and have fun.  Enjoy the free time."

"You try to trick us."

"No. No trick.  Go.  Have fun."

"You always lie us."

"No, I never lie to you."

"Yes you do.  You say ugly man (The Old Codger logo here) your brother."

"Yes.  He is my brother.  He is my younger brother."

"No.  You joke us."

"No, I never do that."

"Yes you do.  You say you from Japan."

"I am from Japan.  I go to doctor and get my eyes made round.  Get a big nose."

"We go early you trick us.  We get in trouble."

"No.  You do not get into trouble.  You go.  You say nothing.  I go, I say nothing.  Everyone happy."

"You lie us again."

After about 10 minutes of this accusatory discourse they are finally happy to go.  One day, 5 hours until Happy Hour.  Desperation in the teacher's apartment building is beginning to rise to the surface. 

Friday.  First class.  All new students.  Every one was happy.  Seven and a half hours to Happy Hour.

Second class.  All new students.  Class room has multi media that The Old Codger does not have materials prepared for yet.  Junior students are different than Freshmen students.  Tell them that they can leave early and they are gone.  No questions.  No arguments.  They are out of the class room faster than rats on a ship.  Six hours until Happy Hour. 

Third class.  First, The Old Codger discovers that he can't read.  He goes to Building 2, room 310.  He should be in Building 3, room 210.  Three and a half hours to Happy Hour.  He rushes over to the correct building and room.  He walks into the room.  The students start laughing and clapping.  They are relieved that The Old Codger is their teacher, instead of the Delusional Paranoid counterpart.  They were The Old Codger's students last term.  A difficult class at times.  Three hours, twenty minutes to Happy Hour. Same problem as the previous class.  No materials prepared that will work on the existing multi media equipment.  Brief introduction to what we hope to do during the term, and then "bye-bye."  Nooooooooooo.  They want to talk for awhile about this, that, and everything else.  Most talkative that class has ever been.  They all finally go.  Two hours, twenty minutes to Happy Hour. 

Sometimes going to Happy Hour at Captain's can be tricky.  It is really tricky when one needs a substantial and meaningful Happy Hour.  One needs to time getting to Captain's right at 5:00 which is when Happy Hour starts.  Get their early, and you have to pay full price for a beer.  Three of us head our for Happy Hour.  One more will meet us there.  Because of traffic, we get there 15 minutes late.  That is 15 minutes that can never be recovered.  Gone.  Lost forever.  A true and total waste of time.  Damn Chinese drivers!

The Old Codger spent the weekend getting things ready for classes next week and the week after.  He had to get a bit creative in order to use the multi media, but mission accomplished. Of course, this being China, no one showed The Old Codger how to use the equipment.  Took him 15 minutes to figure it out today and give everything a test run.  Mission accomplished!  Damned if he remembers how he got it all to work though.  Re-education scheduled for Wednesday morning.

It is now Monday night of the second week of the term.  Things are off to a good start.  The Old Codger just got a text message on his phone from a student he is helping study / tutoring for an IELTS test:

"Do you sleep?"

"Sometimes.  I try to sleep a bit every night.  Sometimes I sleep during the day."

A bit later.  "You sleep now?"

"Yes."

A bit later.  "Have you used to staying in China?"

That is a tough question to answer I suspect.  Some things are so predictable - yet unpredictably predictable.  TIC.  This Is China.  Of course, The Old Codger has been in Asia long enough so that he knows that nothing is normal anymore.  But, things not being normal is normal. 

Four more days until Happy Hour...

The Olympics of course are a few months away.  A nice web site that you folks might want to visit.  Get yourselves a Virtual Tour of the Olympic Village.  Nicely done and informative.  It is in 7 different languages so even The Old Codger's friends in France can see how a progressive country does things. 

Speaking of the Olympics - Beijing is gong all out to impress the world.  They want the world to see that China is indeed a progressive and civilized country.  There in Beijing they are teaching people not to spit on the sidewalk - or in the street either.  At the bus stops, stations and in the subways they have people walking around with sandwich board type signs on telling people to get into an orderly queue (line) behind them.  Also teaching people to wait until everyone on a coach has disembarked before they try to get on.  From all indications, they are going to put some order into the chaos.  No word yet on whether motorists and cyclists are being taught to stop when a pedestrian is trying to cross the street.

Another pre-Olympics program is China is sending chefs and cooks to England (why, The Old Codger will never know - the Brits have no bloody idea of how to cook a decent meal) to learn how to cook western food.  This is a crash course - only for 5 days.  The Chinese chefs are reportedly amazed at the amount of food that is wasted.  They say: "When we cut something off from something else, we do not throw away.  We cook it in another dish and make delicious meal."  Some seem to be having a bit of trouble getting used to cooking different foods separately instead of all together. 

And then, there is the school for the girls who will be giving medals to the Olympian winners.  Yes, a special school for this function.  The girls all have to meet certain physical requirements.  All have to be within a certain height and weight range.  Of course, the damned human rights do-gooders have lodged complaints with the government saying that they are discriminating against - well - to put it bluntly, the too short, too tall, too fat and ugly girls.  The government's response to this complaint was unpredictably predictable: 

"We had uniforms made first.  They are all the same size.  So we can only use girls that can fit in the uniforms." 

Another requirement is that the girls can't be bow legged - of which many Chinese seem to be.  The girls selected go to school to learn how to hand out the medals to the winning athletes.  The schooling includes posture lessons - standing straight and tall with a book or two on their heads.  The smile has to be just right too:  They can show only 8 upper teeth.  To learn how to smile that way, they hold a chop stick crossways in their mouth, pushed back far enough to expose only the requisite number of teeth for a couple, three hours a day.  That will teach the facial muscles how to permanently smile. 

Apparently something like 8,000 university (a requirement) girls volunteered for something like 80 positions.  No doubt, those handing out the medals will be the most beautiful girls in China.  Despite the exercise that The Old Codger is getting going up and down stairs, he probably will only be able to see the girls on television. 

Thinking of coming to China? The Economist has some nice guides that you might want to check out before coming.  Don't miss the Bejing and Hong Kong Audio guide.  Excellent information.  Country Briefings for China can be found on the site as well.

Ah yes.  The politics in America during this primary season.  The Old Codger was a bit surprised to see that Ralph Nadar was still alive and kicking.  Quite a collection of misfits (well, they are all politicians, aren't they?) competing for money, fame, and fortune.  All that's missing in the group is a Mexican.  Oh well.  To combat the pains of the elections and the eventual undesirable winner, there still is Jack Daniels (a fine Southern Gentleman) and Jose Cuervo.  They have my vote.

Speaking of politics:  There is a big political meeting here in China of the CPPCC.  More on that in the next Letter From China.  Don't want to have too much political stuff in one letter.  People might get bored.

When this site was started, there was no intention to try to make any money from it.  Unfortunately, there are the costs associated with hosting and domain name registration.  Those costs must be paid this month to keep the site up uninterrupted.  Your humble correspondent, The Old Codger finds it difficult to pay those costs from China.  Transferring money from China to America is a major head ache.  If anyone is so inclined to contribute - especially those in America - it would be welcomed and appreciated.  For information on contributing, shoot The Old Codger and e-mail for details.

The Old Codger

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