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The Physical Examination 30 August 2007 Make no mistake about it. China only wants healthy people in the country if you are planning on staying a long time. That means that one must under go a complete physical exam - in China. Yesterday, I was informed that today I would have my physical. Be ready to leave at 8:15 AM. The physical was to cost 280 Yuan (less than US $40). I must pay for it and the University will reimburse me. OK, I figured, I might see my money back in about 30 days or so. I had undergone a couple of physicals in Thailand - for considerably less money. In Thailand, a physical consists of having your blood pressure taken, maybe your heart being listened to, and a few simple questions. "Can you hear me?" "Can you see me?" "Are you OK?" Here in China I knew that there would be blood tests - primarily for AIDS and hepatitis. And of course, obligatory urine test. I was hardly prepared for this physical though. The best way to describe this was it as an "assembly line" physical. Organized chaos - but highly organized at that. The clinic that conducts that physicals is a specialty clinic which is authorized by appointment by the government - according to the sign outside the clinic. Surprisingly, before a Chinese citizen is allowed to travel overseas, they too much undergo a physical similar to the one that foreigners must go through. So, as a result, the clinic was swarming with Chinese - and I, and two other teachers were the only foreigners there. Nice to know that China isn't exporting diseased people to other countries. First, of course, the paperwork must be completed. Surprisingly simple paper work - and unlike Thailand, only 1 copy of each form to be filled out, and two pictures. Name. Date of Birth. Nationality. Address. Occupation. End of form. Chinese citizens must provide more information, but what they are providing, I have no idea since of course, everything is in Chinese. Next stop. Blood test. Assembly line procedure. Everyone watching what is going on. The vampire (nurse) taking the blood sits or stands (not sure which) behind a counter with a glass window. The arm is placed through a 12 inch square slot. I proffer one arm - no good. Vein too hard to find. Other arm proffered. The needle comes out - and I am amazed at how thin it is. It has a plastic tube attached to it, which the blood flows through into the test tube. So unlike other places where they are puncturing the top of the test tube with a needle to draw the blood out whilst the other needle is stuck in your vein. Of course, just before the needle touches my arm, I "yelp" - which gets everyone in the room laughing and the nurse gets to laughing so hard it takes her about 30 seconds before she will try it again. Blood drawn. Stand up, and move on. Someone else is moving into the seat. Next stop: Urine test. Small, thin, flimsy plastic container is given to you. Off to the toilet - a squat pan of course - to provide the sample. No cover for the container. Carefully holding the container whilst zipping up so as not to spill anything. Success. Take back and set on the desk with dozens of other samples. An interesting array of colors. Next stop: Height and weight. This was an interesting contraption - one that I had never seen before. A small platform with a large pipe, which is topped with something that looks like a rain shower head. You simply stand on the platform and your height and weight is automatically recorded. Weight: 100 kg. (220 lbs) Accurate. Height: 187 cm. (73 inches) My gosh, I seem to have shrunk 1 inch over the years. This was something out of the science fiction movies. Next stop: Chest X-Ray: Another thing I had never seen before. The patient stands against the X-ray wall. No need to take off your shirt. The person that controls the X-ray machine sits in a separate room at a large console. He can immediately see the lungs and heart. He can scan the lungs by simply moving the X-ray wall to the left or right, or up or down. Amazingly, after years of smoking my lungs are given a clean bill of health. Lungs look clean and healthy. So much for all that propaganda about how smoking kills and is bad for your health. Guess I am going to have to die of something other than cancer. Next stop: Blood pressure and listen to everything test. Blood pressure normal - 130/90. Everything sounds good. Made me happy that I had doubled up on my blood pressure pills and had avoided having any beer the night before. Next stop: Ultra sound. You watch one person get off the table, and another one get on. The sensor device is not wiped off or cleaned. More jelly is put on it, and another scan is begun. Look at the liver and kidneys. Yup. They are still there and where they are supposed to be. Since nothing is said, I presume that they are healthy. Liver a bit enlarged, but has been for the last 20 years or so. Nothing to worry about. Kidneys still there, and since I had been able to give a urine sample, must be working fairly well. Next stop: ECG (some call it an EKG) but the sign on the door said ECG. The nurse here is stony faced and you can tell just by looking at her that she hates her job and every person that she has to see, and possibly ever has seen. 120% serious she is. If she smiled there would probably be a national holiday celebrating that one. With her, you just instinctively know that you don't wait until you get hooked up to everything and then act like you are getting shocked with electricity. Instead, you just lay there and hope that she doesn't go psycho on you and bring out a large knife and pull your heart out. After we all are finished we make jokes - nay, honest observations - that we are happy that we aren't married to her. Hopefully she didn't understand English or I am certain that she would have found some way to hurt someone whilst doing an ECG / EKG. Next stop: Ear, Eyes, Nose and Throat Department. The nurse, or perhaps Doctor (one never knows) has a surgical mask around her neck when examining Chinese patients. When she examines a foreigner, the mask goes up over her face. "Why" is a question that will remain unanswered. I certainly wasn't going to ask her. Wouldn't have done any good anyway since she didn't seem to speak any English. Ears are good. Nose is good. Throat is missing tonsils. Not a problem. Eyes - well, one eye is good. The cataract on the other eye is getting a bit bothersome. Can see, but everything is blurry. Ah, hell. A lot of people are blind in one eye - but at least I can see out of the other. Next stop: Front door of the clinic. The physical is completed. We are now free to go. If there was something seriously wrong with us, we think that they would have commented one way or the other. At my age, and superb physical condition, I know that I must not be anywhere near critical condition and in fact, as healthy as can be expected since they didn't call an ambulance whilst I was there. Total time: 1 hour, 8 minutes. That included doing the paper work at the front desk. Total people in the assembly line: About 15 with more joining as time went on. This was the second fastest physical I have ever had in my life. The ones in Thailand win the competition hands down. But, for a comprehensive physical, this one has to hold the record. Back in the states, all of these tests would have taken a good half a day or more - and cost a hell of a lot more than $40. I was actually amazed at the equipment that they have here. Was impressed by the height and weight machine - but the chest X-ray machine wins the competition hands down. The technician can get a live, real time view of the lungs and heart without any discomfort or inconvenience to the patient. I suspect that they could get a machine like that in the States - or another western country. But, if the instructions for using the machine ended up anything like the instructions for using the vibrating condom, I suspect that the machine would be rather useless.
The contrast between this experience and other experiences I have had here in China is much like the difference between night and day. For the physical, everyone has been trained in what to do and how to do it, so technically, they really don't have to make any decisions. Just follow the normal course and everything will be fine. Of course, everything could get totally messed up if something majorly wrong had been found in someone. Then, the production line may stop, and everyone would gather around and try to figure out what to do next. Fortunately, I didn't have to find that one out. Ah yes, it has been another interesting day in China. What tomorrow will bring is anyone's guess. I suspect that I will have to wait until after 5:30 this evening to learn the plans of tomorrow. The Old Codger
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